And That is Why I Don’t Wear Boxers
Boxers or briefs? That’s the penultimate question, isn’t it? I know you’ve been dying to know which I prefer. I guess there’s a third option, commando, but that’s never been an option for me. My choice happens to be the result of a war story.
A war story that I had forgotten until yesterday, when my son tells me that where he thought I was going with my 2 Factor Authentication Gone Plum Wrong story. Hint – it wasn’t the story he thought. At least he got a new story out of it.
This one takes us back to Desert Shield time frame. Somewhere in the sandbox that is Saudi Arabia, before we spearheaded into Iraq. I went to sick call for something I can’t even remember now. My vitals are being taken, but I hear this guy screaming like a bitch in the cubicle next to me. I use the term “cubicle” in the most primal way. We were in a large tent called a GP-Large and there was an olive drab green piece of canvas separating us.
After vitals are taken, I’m just playing the waiting game. Waiting for the doctor to get to me. In the meantime, the doctor is in the cubicle next door. With someone screaming their fool head off. I couldn’t take it any more; I had to look. WTF was going on next to me?
Quietly I got up and moved closer to the dividing canvas. I pried the canvas open a bit for a better look. What I saw horrified me. Some dude with his pants down around his ankles. One of his balls the size of a grapefruit. That alone is enough to make a guy scream. But here’s the kicker. The doctor? He’s flicking that shit like he’s checking the ripeness of a watermelon. Then he lifts it up a bit in his hand AND DROPS IT. Asking, “Does that hurt? Can you feel this?” MF, what do you think? That shit will hurt even if it ain’t swollen. Goddamn.
When the doctor was finished with him and was seeing me, I had to ask him. What made his ball swell up like that? I wanted to know just to make sure that it never happened to me. At least while I was out here and with this particular doctor.
The doctor told me that one of his testicles had wrapped around the other and cut off the circulation. Son of a bitch! That made my nut start pulsating in pain just thinking about it. I asked him what how that could’ve happened. Now, this is what he told me. Was it true? Could be. I don’t really know, but it made perfect sense to me at the time so I took his word for it. He said that it was probably from the kid wearing boxers. He went on to explain that boxers did not provide enough support, especially when you lead an active lifestyle, such as that of a Soldier.
I woke up that morning with 8 pair of boxers and 8 pair of briefs. I ended that day with 8 pair of briefs only. I never wore boxers again.